◀ prevnext ▶
Turned Upside Down
Other · Jun 21st, 2026
A lot of things have happened in the last months. I have started studying again. I got fired. Man what a ride.
But I should start with the most important thing first: The Wii idea is canceled. It's quite funny actually. Quite literally the post before I talked about how fractal-like the progress seems. From the outside, you'd think you write the engine, you write the game, and you're done. But actually each step consists of 10 steps, each of which also take 10 steps, which also also take 10 steps, and so on. Far enough down you begin to realize you haven't moved at all.
I fell into the exact trap I was describing. I have been ignoring all the progress I've made. Don't get me wrong, the Wii is hella cool, and I think I have the ability to work on it. But in reality I think I was stressed out. I guess I couldn't think clearly, probably because I got fired.
So yeah, uhm, this happened. It was very stressful and ugly. In my opinion, I've been treated unfairly. But now that the dust is settled, I am very glad to be gone. I have been decompressing, and looking at it from the outside made me realize how bad the situation really was. I had to suppress my identity, trying to fit in, into a circlejerking culture on top of that. The last 6 years feel like a blur to me. I have only a handful of positive memories, but my total experience is a net negative.
The mistake I have made, which ultimately led to my firing, was that I talked honestly and bluntly. In an effort to improve the situation, I openly shared my unhappiness. I suggested reducing my hours, so I can work more on my engine. I genuinely thought a future at the company was the way forward. But man, their reaction was completely blown out of the water…
They gave me a notice for Arbeitszeitbetrug (time-sheet fraud), which is ridiculous, no matter how you look at it. They also gave concrete working hours (previously I had flexible hours), which completely fucked over my private life. In particular it made it impossible for me to attend boardgaming night, which was very important to me, and which everyone at the company knew I've been attending for the past 3 years. Fucking assholes. Leadership complained how actually, they have the shit job, and that I don't appreciate the sacrifices they have made for the company. I do not deny their pain, offered my help even, but I feel like my pain got overlooked in the process. The sacrifices I have made? Doesn't matter. They told me I was demanding too much. And my suffering is not important, and may not even exist.
The worst part in all of this was the AI. Of course I used it. Who wouldn't? I was never in a situation like this, and I felt really really lost. I have never used LLM chatbots this extensively before or since then. Though, I have very clearly hit the limits of AI. It even made me realize something quite horrific: The LLM cannot give you actual advice. Period. It can only give information, pulled from it's vast (illegally gathered) training data, which you yourself then have to filter and apply. And if you lack the ability to do so, the LLM is going to cause net harm.
The way I used ChatGPT wasn't to just tell it the situation and asking it what to do next. In multiple chats I tried to lay out the facts. I tried to be as objective as possible, trying different approaches. On top of that, I also roleplayed as other people. I pretended to be my chef, who is upset about this programmer who thinks he is better than the company. I also pretended to be my teamlead, who is unsure how to handle the situation where the chef and the lead programmer got into an argument.
How did ChatGPT reply? Well, no matter what role I played, and no matter how benevolent or evil I portraid the other side, ChatGPT always sided with the role prompting it. When I was myself, ChatGPT said obviously I was correct and I was being treated unfairly. When I pretended to be my chef, it said the programmer is toxic and is actively trying to tear down the company. When I pretended to be my teamlead, ChatGPT said this is not your problem, protect yourself, and fuck them for fighting.
I got lost in a very bad spiral. You see, Leadership has been pushing AI more and more. And they directly admitted to me, that they use chatbots for counseling. And given my experience talking to ChatGPT (as mentioned above), I realized that leadership genuinely took advice from a machine, which didn't even try to deescalate the situation. I realized, that I was trying to navigate a situation, which wasn't navigatable. There was nothing I could've said or done to improve their opinion of me. Leadership was mad at me, and the AI reassured them of these beliefs.
This realization took a heavy toll on my mental health. I spiraled so badly, I've been trying to come up with some sort of engineered message, that when my chef were to post it to his AI, it would cause him to finally see my side. I really obsessed over this. But when I roleplayed as my chef, prompting "Look what the programmer has said now: <engineered message>", ChatGPT always doubled down: "The programmer is clearly gaslighting you, emotional blackmail. He is a liar, toxic, dangerous, don't trust him. Punish him further." My mental state became very unstable after that.
The moves that I ended up making, the ones that actually pushed the conversation forward, were all recommendations from friends and family. The main points that worked was direct confrontation and setting boundaries. I directly accused my chef of deliberately making the situation worse for him and myself. Was it harsh? Yes, yes it was. Egos were broken. But it was fair and it produced results.
In comparison, ChatGPT did not produce a single working strategy. It's main point was to lay low and stay in the legal bounds. The logic was when I don't make a ruckus, they can't punish me further. But this forgoes reality! I already got undeserved punishment! If I would have listened to the AI, I would still be chugging along in the company, being miserable, and sitting on the punishments I received, for doing nothing wrong except voicing my discontent with the situation.
But now I am out. The stress is over. My financial situation is not optimal, but managable. But most importantly, psychologically, I am in a much better shape than before.
I used the drama as motivation to apply to university again. I am continuing with masters, and my current goal is a doctor title. I attended SIGGRAPH 2025 last year, and it showed me the possibilities in front of me. In my current mind, a doctor would qualify me to work anywhere in the world. Of course, on the job they've held my application and short notice against me. But it's worth to mention that me applying to university was after they punished me. So make of that what you will.
Anyway, I am still in the process of figuring out how this whole study thing works. It isn't as easy as I thought. Homework is doable, but time intensive. But while I am still stressed, it is comparably bearable. For the first time in 6 years, I have an active social life. I got to explore myself deeper, finding my identity, which previously I had to suppress. And the goal I have set myself is clearly defined, and achievable.
But also, the engine is progressing, very slowly, but surely. Even less this year, as much of my time goes into studying. And I've been putting some work into Blender, which is adjecently related to my engine. But it's progress nontheless, and thus I am counting it. I am especially proud about my fur solution, which I think will look amazing once I get to render it. Below is a rough sketch of the idea.
Also worth mentioning, the Wii sidequest wasn't for nothing. It gave me insights into even better solutions. I am already overhauling the asset system. And in the future I also want to redo the ECS system. They could be faster and more suited to what I actually need. I realized that I need to specialize more. Up until now I have programmed into the void, features with no clear goal. Now my design requirements are starting to tighten, and some of my current solutions are too generic to be useful.
But whatever the future brings, today I feel stronger than yesterday. I feel like I am more myself than previously, and a heavy weight has been dropped off of my chest.
|
| ◀ | Previous Post: The case for porting to Wii |
| ▶ | More Other related Posts |
